Those Awkward Moments

That awkward moment when I try to flirt. I am way too direct and I usually end up putting my foot in it somehow.

That awkward moment when you call me and you expect me to keep the conversation alive.Am already done with salutations…what more do you want from me? Next time, just text.

That awkward moment when you send me a long lovey dovey text. Shit. I honestly don’t know what to say so I’ll pretend to not understand you and distract you with humor and sarcasm.

That awkward moment when you sext me.What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

That awkward moment when I try to sext. Just…no.

That awkward moment when everyone is quick to comment on how fat I’ve become but nothing about my blossoming boobs,hips and ass. Erm,HELLO???

That awkward moment when you tell me your favorite genre is dancehall.I can’t.

That awkward moment when you tell me you’re a rapper. In other words, you’re perpetually broke,write lyk dis@23#45^%^&^&*,still live with your mum and she gave you fare today so you could come bore me with your stupid lines.Am right?Naturally.

That awkward moment when you tell me you’re tight like this(holds up two fingers) with Jaguar.Am I supposed to be impressed?I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM.

That awkward moment when you expect me to take you seriously when you write lyk dis$4#$%%^6%^&&.

That awkward moment when you invite me over and put on some 90s bump and grind music to ‘get me in the mood’.Pathetic.

That awkward moment when you invite me over and put on porn to ‘get me in the mood’. I am trying really hard not to laugh out loud at your level of stupidity.

That awkward moment when an ex wants his gift,singular, back.

That awkward moment when said ex wants me back.SMH.

That awkward moment when you can’t accept I got over you.

That awkward moment when you don’t get sarcasm.Why do I even know you???

That awkward moment when am in a mat seated next to an elderly and uncensored dancehall is playing.I know they probably don’t understand the curse words but I still cringe.

That awkward moment when everyone is always asking me if am bored.No sweetie,this is Resting Bitchface Syndrome.Look it up.Go away now, you bore me.

That awkward moment when foreplay is just a word.

That awkward moment when my girl friends are talking about boys,clothes and shoes and I have NOTHING to contribute.

That awkward moment when you want to cuddle.Eew.

That awkward moment when you tell me you love me after five minutes of knowing each other.Right.

That awkward moment when you hug me for more than five seconds.I am literally touching you with the tips of my fingers now.You disgust me.

That awkward moment when you keep touching me and invading my space.Can’t you see that you creep me out?WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

That awkward moment when I have to explain the joke.

That awkward moment when you say you love me.Dearest,am cold.I feel none of those warm mushy feelings girls are supposed to feel.In the words of Omarion,I got this icebox where my heart used to be.I don’t have time to explain this and I don’t really care to hear your rebuttals so lemme just say I love you back and find a way to mess up this relationship.Cool.

That awkward moment when you want to be my knight in shining armor and save me from myself.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.