PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE

Speak, but don’t be louder than your husband.
Be quiet,but don’t let him turn you into a doormat.
Be docile, your husband is the head and you’re just the neck that holds him up.
Be strong outside, but be weak in front of your children. Let your husband be The Man.
Be truthful, but lie about the amount of money you have. Teach your children to be just like you. What your husband doesn’t know won’t kill him.
Be a giver, but only in church. Maybe that comes with double blessing.
Find a church that feeds your neuroses and delusions of grandeur, and force your husband and children to join the farce.
Be soft,men are wired to look for that and take care of it.
Be happy, after sacrificing your happiness.
Have children, but try to make them not bastards.
Have children, and never let them grow up. How dare they leave the nest!
Cook for him well, and your husband will never stray.
Be educated, but stay dumb. Men love that.
Have opinions, but keep them to yourself.
Go out there, and find a husband.

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DAMN BABY!

From the first day I met you, I wanted to eat you up. You just smelled so good. Even in a crowded room, blindfolded, I would still recognise you by your scent alone. When I smell warm biscuits I know you are there behind me, even though you tread lightly.  My mouth tingles. You’re mouthwatering, baby.

“Honey, can I help you with….” You don’t even let me finish. You move closer behind me, till our bodies are barely touching. Your warm breath on my ear feels like a butterfly’s flutter. Part of me wants to tell you that we’re too busy to do this now, and the other part wants to lean fully into you and take everything you have to give me. You suckle my earlobe into your mouth and it’s no contest. My bones just melt away. Your hands on my waist are the only things holding me upright.

The evening sun casts long shadows on our yellow-and-grey mosaic tiles kitchen floor. My eyes are drawn again and again to our shadow, our bodies too close to separate. I see your shadow move as you tilt your head to lick my neck. I can barely hold back a moan.

I try to turn around but you won’t let me, your fingers leaving an imprint through my clothes as you hold me tighter in one position. You start to trail kisses down my neck. I want to keep you there but when I reach behind me to do that, you stop me in midair when one of your hands shackles both of mine. Now I can’t move. I’m completely at your mercy. I know how much you enjoy our power plays,and even though I don’t tell you, I do too.

You start to bite me on the back of my neck,along the ridge of bone just the way I like it. I can’t suppress a shiver and my arms break out in gooseflesh. I barely feel the sting. You stop when the neck of my dress stops your downward journey. It’s the sky blue one, your favourite. Did you notice? I’m very glad that it has a zipper because you have it open in a flash. You don’t remove it completely, you just leave enough space for your hands to pass through. The snap of my bra strap sounds a thousand times louder in the quiet room. My hands, without yours to hold them steady, fall limply in front of me, knocking over the jug of lemonade I was preparing. Most of the liquid splashes on the floor but some gets on the lower part of my dress and drips down my legs. Look, love, another part of me is wet!

You don’t let me dwell on that for long because I lose all thought when you touch my back. Your hands on my bare skin feel like branding irons. Did it just get hotter in here? Your hands move higher on my body and cup my breasts, playing with my nipples just how I like it. You’re breathing heavily, just like I am.

You turn my head to the side and now I can see your face, as familiar as mine after these last ten years together.  Your eyes burn with a fire I’ve grown to know and love. You look at me intensely, just look at me,and I feel your stare as if you were tracing my face with a painter’s hand. Sometimes, like now, you seem to look right through me.
Kiss me, my love.

The first touch of your lips against mine is soft, growing bolder and wetter as the seconds tick by. That’s not the only thing growing, however. When your tongue slips in my mouth, you taste of peppermint. I know that if I search your pockets right now I’ll find the peppermint gum you swear by. We kiss like this for a while, and I want to jump out of my skin. I want to crawl over you, into you, but I still can’t move.

You remove your hands from my body and move back a step. I barely hold in a whimper of protest. I keep my eyes closed to hold what I’m feeling inside longer. Soon I hear the sound of a zipper and the crinkle of paper. I guess the fun and games are over. You raise my dress in the back and move my panties to the side. You can feel how ready I am. Cold air hits the back of my legs for a second before you move into position. We both sigh in pleasure.

You start off slow, at a measured pace, but you’ve teased me for too long and I need release. I can barely think, let alone speak coherent sentences, so I let my body do the talking. I wiggle against you and lean more on the counter. You take the hint and pound into me faster, harder, your hands held fast on my hips. The only sounds in the room are your occasional grunts, my moans and the wet slide of our bodies.

I can sense you’re close, so I drag a hand down the front of my panties and play with myself so that we can fly together. It doesn’t take long till I’m cumming so hard my vision narrows and I hear bells. I distantly hear your loud bellow as you follow me over the edge. I slump on the counter with your body partially covering mine, while we both try to catch our breath.

Strange. I still hear bells. Wait, that’s the doorbell. Oh no! Our guests are here. I’m not ready. I can’t let them see me like this:- swollen lips, make-up smudged, wet . I turn around and look at you, the panic alive in my eyes. Your shirt is a little wrinkled, but other than that you look good enough to eat. You probably know this, judging from the corky grin you’re wearing. Please go open the door and entertain our guests while I freshen up, will you?

CLOSER TO THE EDGE

Today I disappeared and it felt GLORIOUS!

Today I woke up knowing I was going but not knowing where.

Today I went to my heaven, where no one knew me and didn’t care what I was doing there.

Today I ate a fish head, my favorite, and a ‘mountain’ of ugali, served on a tiny metal plate in a dingy, falling apart ‘hotel’, and its the best meal I’ve eaten in ages. These people just wanted my money and didn’t care that I left less than ten bones on the plate.

Today I was ogled,propositioned and complimented by total strangers.It felt good.Today I needed to be appreciated for just showing up.

Today when I woke up,the urge to get into a bus and just keep going has never felt stronger. Just go to a place where so much isn’t expected of me. Where I’m not the dutiful first born who should be an inspiration to her siblings but who still can’t get her shit together. Where I’m not the messed up daughter whose a constant disappointment to her parents, who’ve tried so hard to make her fucking perfect.Where I’m not the ever attentive big sister always there for her siblings’ issues, but whose is to messed up to see straight.

Then I hate myself for being a whiny little bitch.I mean, I’m guaranteed a warm bed, supper when I get home, even TV….Small price to pay, right? My mum would probably try to exorcise this ‘demon of whatever ‘ from me and ask me to pray. Right. Like that worked so well the first time.

I can’t remember a time when my mind didn’t feel like this:

chaos

I don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t know.

I don’t want to go home.It just doesn’t feel like my place anymore.There’s a pressure in my throat as if I’m being choked  when I think of going back.

Today I took the long way home, or maybe I should call it prison.The mask won’t fit for long.