CLOSER TO THE EDGE

Today I disappeared and it felt GLORIOUS!

Today I woke up knowing I was going but not knowing where.

Today I went to my heaven, where no one knew me and didn’t care what I was doing there.

Today I ate a fish head, my favorite, and a ‘mountain’ of ugali, served on a tiny metal plate in a dingy, falling apart ‘hotel’, and its the best meal I’ve eaten in ages. These people just wanted my money and didn’t care that I left less than ten bones on the plate.

Today I was ogled,propositioned and complimented by total strangers.It felt good.Today I needed to be appreciated for just showing up.

Today when I woke up,the urge to get into a bus and just keep going has never felt stronger. Just go to a place where so much isn’t expected of me. Where I’m not the dutiful first born who should be an inspiration to her siblings but who still can’t get her shit together. Where I’m not the messed up daughter whose a constant disappointment to her parents, who’ve tried so hard to make her fucking perfect.Where I’m not the ever attentive big sister always there for her siblings’ issues, but whose is to messed up to see straight.

Then I hate myself for being a whiny little bitch.I mean, I’m guaranteed a warm bed, supper when I get home, even TV….Small price to pay, right? My mum would probably try to exorcise this ‘demon of whatever ‘ from me and ask me to pray. Right. Like that worked so well the first time.

I can’t remember a time when my mind didn’t feel like this:

chaos

I don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t know.

I don’t want to go home.It just doesn’t feel like my place anymore.There’s a pressure in my throat as if I’m being choked  when I think of going back.

Today I took the long way home, or maybe I should call it prison.The mask won’t fit for long.

 

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