ISSUES

A typical blind date for me goes like this:
I get to the venue, where I waste ten minutes or so looking for him (is it so difficult to say yes, I’m the guy in the hideously yellow shirt? I promise to not run away) ,or he’s late and I look stupid just seated there by myself looking at the door. Then he shows up, and five minutes later, he’s in love. By the halfway mark, he’s already proposed and I’m to meet with the kinfolk. By the end of our date, we’re married, complete with a white picket fence and 2.5 children.

I suppose I should be flattered but by the end of the date I can only think that I don’t even know his second name. Heck, I barely even remember his first name! I probably just showed up for the free food and/or great coffee.
Frankly,it gets all shades of awkward pretty fast.

Which got me thinking, wouldn’t it be fun if I turned the tables?
*

Hi there. I’m so sorry I’m late. Well, not really. I was here on time, actually, standing by that pillar. Didn’t you see me? I was waiting for you to find me. What took you so long? I told you I was wearing a green dress. Kwani you have that color blindness thing? Anyway, never mind, I’m here now.
Heh, si you look better than your pictures! You know, I never thought this could be possible. And you smell so good. Is that a Kindle? Your voice… OMG! I’m in love. I love you.

So what do you do? How come you were using that dating site? I’d think someone like you would have no problem getting the ladies. Anyway, let’s leave the past and embrace our future. I am your future.

Heh, my God, si You work in mysterious ways! Here we were praying for a miracle, and You bring him from a very unlikely source. You know, I almost didn’t come today,but then I had this feeling and now here I am.

Obviously we’re getting married. You can give me the ring later. The engagement ring should be a sapphire, not diamond, and I want a white gold wedding ring. You know,I think you should start writing this down now. Your eyes are looking a little glazed.

I love you.

Oh, before I forget,you have to meet my parents. Wait a minute, lemme call them. You look a little green. Don’t worry, they’ll love you, just as I love you.

So, my mum is super excited to meet you. She’s already waiting for the grandchildren. She’s been waiting a while. Speaking of which, we’re going to have three children:- Lenny, Benny and Mariah. Do twins run in your family? I’ve always wanted twins. What about diseases? Tell you what, when you get home tonight, you can make a list and I’ll come for it tomorrow. Speaking of, I should probably go home with you tonight so I know where my future home is. I’ll probably make some changes, of course. They must all know that you have a wife now. Stop giving me leery looks. Just because I’m going home with you doesn’t mean that there will be any hanky panky. That will happen after the wedding.

The wedding!

I’ve always wanted a big wedding, haven’t you? First we have to form a wedding committee, but don’t worry about that. My church WhatsApp group will suffice. My mother has probably called them already. As for the wedding dress, I know a guy who can get me the one I want for cheap. Just 120k and he’ll also throw in some shoes. My cousin runs a catering company so that takes care of the food and cake. You probably have three friends that can stand by you, right? You should call them. We can go to Zanzibar for the honeymoon, it always looks so good in photos. Arrange that for me, will you?

I love you.

I just checked my WhatsApp, and my pastor says that the only free Saturday he has is three weeks from now. Every other one is booked until the end of the year. I told him we’d take it. I want to marry you soonest, don’t you?

Heh, we don’t have much time. When am I meeting your parents? I’m thinking on Friday. You should call them and tell them the good news.

My dad just texted. He told me to remind you about the dowry negotiations. He’s willing to meet with your people next Saturday. Nod if you agree. Great.
Since we don’t have a lot of time, he’s rounded off the figure for you. Just five million shillings, and he’ll even throw in a going away bash for free. Isn’t he generous?

I love you.

Pick up your jaw off the floor, dear.

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