CALL ME RUSTY

Coffee date. Coffee date. Coffee date.

I’m excited. Are you excited? I’m really really excited. Are you really really excited?

I’m sorry. I’ll try to control myself. I understand that nowadays apathy is attractive and feelings are messy and awkward. It’s just that I haven’t done this in a while. Heh, the last time I did this POTUS had just become the prodigal son, tweefing was still a thing ( do people still do that? ), and everyone was like, Lupita who?

Okay, I admit. This place looks fancy. I hope they have real coffee here, not those sachet deals that taste like pond water. ( Don’t ask me how I know that. )

I’m staring, forgive me. It’s just, what on God’s green earth made you think that wearing that brightly colored shirt was a good idea? It’s like a rainbow got drunk, did the polka on your shirt and vomited on said shirt. You look ridiculous. Also, why is your hair red? Is this a thing now?

I see you’re still wearing your sunglasses. We’re indoors now ,sweerie. Are you blind? No. Sensitive to light? No. A vampire? No. A total douchebag? Yes.

I was too harsh. I’m sorry. It’s just that I want to walk out of here knowing that I’ve helped you make better life choices,you know? Don’t cry now.

Coffee is here, real coffee. Okay, so what do you want us to talk about? If you have to ask questions, please don’t ask me inane ones like what happened in my past relationships. At least not now. I’m yet to decide if you are my future.

You want us to take a selfie. For Instagram and Facebook, you explain. Yaani hapo ndio tumefika sasa? Am I the only one who sees the pointlessness of this?
Ah,I see a tattoo peeking out from beneath your shirt. Come here, lemme see. Hmmm,green, a bold choice. I like the artistry. Mine is way simpler. What does it mean? I can see it’s a tribal tattoo, but WHAT. DOES. IT. MEAN?

The blank look on your face is adorable. So, to reiterate, you went to a tattoo parlor, got the book, closed your eyes and eenie,meenie, minny, moe’d your way into getting this tribal tattoo,while not belonging to said tribe. Now here you are, stuck forever with the instructions for how to kill a skunk in some ancient dialect. Congratulations.

Check, please.

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